Does it feel like you and your partner are in a well-rehearsed dance?
You know the moves: your partner does something that seems thoughtless, leaving you wondering if they care. You take to the dance floor. So you object. Maybe a complaint that starts with “You never…” The dance has begun. Your partner becomes angry and declares they don’t want to have the same argument again. They step backward. Now you’re frustrated that your partner won’t engage. You step forward.
I utilize EFT to change the music.
The Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) approach focuses on a need we all have: to feel safe and connected in a relationship with an intimate partner. When we slow down and explore the dance, we uncover the underlying needs and emotions that drive each step. We discover how each dance step is often an attempt to feel safer or more connected, but results in exactly the opposite. We then develop understanding and empathy between partners, and foster new ways of feeling connected.
Trauma-Informed Couples Therapy
I bring my trauma-informed lens into work with couples. There is a metaphor in old Celtic stories where the struggles of life are compared to fighting a dragon in the dark, with your back against a wall. In arguments, people tend to turn the weapons for fighting their own dragons on their partner. In the safety of the therapy room, we work to get you and your partner fighting the dragon together.
Bottom-Up Approach
Some types of therapy start at the “top,” with the way you interact as a couple. EFT starts at the “bottom,” with the emotional needs you each have to survive a hostile world with a caring and responsive partner at your side. When you start at the bottom, the way one partner engages in arguments is usually not irrational, but makes sense in the context of trying to keep the relationship feeling safe and intact, even when the behavior does the exact opposite.
